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CP and the Titty Bar

[Jan. 5th, 2010|03:08 pm]

squidflakes

I haven't made a CP post in a bit, and I think its because this baseline crazy he's established is hard to top. We expect him to do crazy shit like run around and talk about how cool land mines are (bouncing bettys being the best because they are so much more effective at waist height doncha'know!) and at a certain point it just gets boring.

Every so often though...

Every so often CP invites himself out with a couple of us after work, and that's when the fun really starts.

On the day in question, most of us were out on vacation. However, we're all pretty good chums and like to have a drink or two together after slaving over hot monkey brains. We all met up at our favorite pub, and surprise surprise, CP comes waddling in the door. He proceeded to act creepy and drive off both bartenders and the waitress that one of the guys is sweet on.

Since this pretty much killed the night, Daniel gets the idea we should all go to the titty bar up the street. Everyone, including me, bailed leaving Daniel with CP. CP was shaking his head so hard I thought his eyeballs were going to dislodge themselves.

See, CP had never been to a titty bar. CP had never been to a gentleman's club, strip bar, nudie bar, skin bar... wow, there aren't very many inventive slang terms for a strip club.

Anyway, this is new territory for him and he's eager as a thing that's really eager. Perhaps some sort of small semi-aquatic mammal that builds dams, I dunno.

So, from here on out the tale belongs to someone else, but I trust the source.

The club chosen was once a terrible Chinese food restaurant right next to a hotel. This particular club has only been open a year or so and has already changed names twice. They have charming specials like "No cover with hotel key" and "bring in an ugly girl for a free lap dance." Real A #1 marketing techniques here.

Anyway, Daniel and CP go to this place and Daniel tries to impart some wisdom in the form of "Get some cash from the ATM now, and only expect to spend that amount. Leave your credit card in your car" and "They are paid to do this, none of them are really in to you."

Grand advice really, but CP is so ready to see a naked woman, live, probably for the first time out side of family, that he can think of nothing else. His mind is closed and he pays the cover charge for himself and Daniel. Nice guy that, but as no good deed goes unpunished, he's soon paying for all the drinks. Why? He left his credit card with the bartender.

It took some prodding and about a dozen awkward and abortive conversations with various dancers wherein he tried to talk to them about Call of Duty, Dungeons and Dragons, and how the government is trying to control our minds with vapor trails, then suddenly he's standing at the stage, body rigid, arms pinned to his side, mouth agape. There is an ass in his face. He's still a good foot or two from the moist gyrating flesh, but there is an ass. In his face. He's throwing down Washingtons like General Howe at White Plains, and then disappears in to the Champagne Room with one of the dancers. A couple of hours later, he emerges and is ready to leave, $800 lighter but having lost nothing.

Part of me wishes I could have been there. Part of me wishes I could have been at a table ensconced behind a beer and secretly loling as the stripper, sensing an easy target, made her move then slowly realized to her terror that she's got a talker on her hands. Not any talker either, but a talker she can't relate to. A talker that's so far outside the normal range of club clientele that this seasoned professional of the titty circuit is shaken to her very core. CP on the other hand is now convinced that he's the "Mack Daddy" (he pronounces the air quotes when he says it) and plans on returning to the club after he gets his next paycheck.

*woah, mental note. If I ever open a strip club I will eschew the whole sports bar or seedy den theme. Instead, I'll have TVs and game consoles installed. The women will be asked to dress as game characters. Cheetoes and Jolt will be served.

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